I Am So Tired

Wish Me Good Luck

Tomorrow is my disability hearing. Over the phone.

I am numb.

I feel the stirrings of terrified, mixed with some kind of morbid relief that no matter what happens, I’ll at least have a little while before I have to deal with it again. While the federal government has descended in to chaos, I have been busy getting worse and worse.

I feel like I am circling something.
A drain, maybe.

I feel like time is running out, and I don’t know what to do with that feeling. This used to be a huge motivator for me. It was what drove me to be able to preform highly at work, and push my way out of shitty situations. This feeling that life was always almost over is what had me climbing the corporate ladder, and pushing myself mentally, emotionally, and physically not to waste a second of life.

Now, I am useless.

And this haunting paranoia, isn’t a motivator - it’s a curse. It’s a mocking terror that I know very well I am in fact out of time and there’s nothing I can do about it.

All those things I was working towards, have evaporated. I was certain that by this year I’d be living in another country. I’d have my kids in nepal, or india or thailand, living in a world so different from their own. Instead, I can’t even take them in the backyard without another adult supervising, because I can’t even keep them safe.

I can’t be a mom. I can’t work. I can’t travel.

I can’t even make art anymore without feeling like I just simply hate myself.

I was working on this series of disability based erotica, but it’s been so long since I would write. I switched to trying to create disability+bdsm coloring sheets, but every time I pick up my tablet - i feel like I am drawing from a dry well. There is nothing there. I am nothing. The newest diagnosis validated all of my pain and suffering and the degeneration, but it also damned it. There’s no going back. Ever.

And tomorrow, I get to testify to that fact.

I get to tell a judge what a useless piece of shit I am, and hope that she agrees that I am completely useless. I get to hope that that she agrees with me, and simultaneously, wish that she wouldn’t. because if she agrees that I am a useless piece of shit who will live the rest of her life completely dependent on the government and the kindness of strangers, then what?

Then it’s over.

Time is running out. I am circling the drain.

And I hope that on the other side of this moment, is some kind of liberation or wisdom. I hope some unimagined freedom explodes in to me out of nowhere. but so far, every ounce of freedom I have is hard work that isn’t reciprocated proportionately. Everything is just … agonizing.

Today I spent 7 hours in bed hoping that would help the pain and guess what. it didn’t. It made the emotional heartbreak worse, because now I know. I have seen it with my own eyes. I am drifting away. Piece by piece I have jettisoned the last of my useful relevance, and now I am just a husk - floating through the universe.

And I hate myself.